"You don't fight..!" said he. "Why should I? Show me the battle to embrace first! " I replied.
--- In a recent workshop I was asked to draw my life river. A depiction reflecting my life story, the fights I took, the paths I went into, and the purpose behind all of that. The purpose of life.
What I discovered, or actually had known and rediscovered, is that I found out that I have no single streamlined river of my life along all these long years I lived. It's just only a scattered set of small incomplete disconnected streams that pour into nowhere at the end.
Maybe each stream had a strong purpose at the beginning; but did it have a strong enough belief to fight for it till the end? Is it a matter of belief? But why should I? What should I believe in? And why should I care? To believe in the unknown and fake it till to - allegedly - make it, in the name of vague words like gut, instincts and some green shiny idiot daydreams?
Actually there are a few things in that world that I believe in; all other ideas and thoughts are under skepticism. At their best they accepted for experimentation empirically. So nothing deserves the fight for!
More than a decade earlier I used to have stronger - yet changeable - political, professional, technical, religious and other opinions that were strong enough to struggle and debate for; to convince others and win arguments.
But as for now; almost every thing is relative; there's no right answer, or correct direction, at least for me. All paths are equal; no path deserves a fight. Even in small talk discussions, when someone expresses an opinion you don't like, relativity puts down your desire to express another opinion.
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During an activity with another team after that workshop, the team's motto was "Believes in You", and same was the whole experience where you were surrounded with amazing people providing real unconditional sincere support and belief in each member.
Besides the fascinating experience, the slogan itself was alerting and made me reflect on myself and my answer to the workshop question. I think I was lucky enough to have supportive people believing in me at different stages of my personal and professional lives.
I could convince people with my skills and abilities to embrace challenges and gain their trust and respect, but why did I get a tendency to give up quickly and not fight? Maybe it's a self-belief dilemma?
Before someone believes in you, you have believe in yourself, but when in the world did you believe in yourself? You are a type of a weird person who are used to take challenges because he enjoys that - not for the sake of the fruitful success at the end - but because you just enjoy the journey, and the success is just a byproduct you didn't intend to firstly.. and when you start doubting everything, you can't even continue any journey!
But .. Is that a loss of faith?
I don't think it's a type of teenage disbelief disorder, but you have to confess that despite you have to have to be the closet to Allah after the last Hajj trip you longed for since ages, it's the first time you encounter an unignorable tendency to stop praying at all!
You can't blame it totally on the miserable atmosphere we're all living in causing a global frustration, depression and desperate souls. Politics haven't been your main concern at the end. You had your own plans and goals, but they turned out to be like: شوق بلا أمل، لحلم قد رحل
Maybe that's why you don't fight strongly for any dream! You consider it gone away already! And that's not the spirit for any achiever!
In the entrepreneurship literature they say you have to take a leap of faith and jump into the unknown in order to achieve your dream. But in realty you find this ridiculous and there is no strong enough faith to bear the risk and be sure you won't end in a situation like this video https://goo.gl/tuIQ8s
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In a last workshop, each one was required to write down his fears that prevent him from doing what he aspires to do, the obstacles that stops his boat from sailing his life river smoothly, the ego behind certain behaviors you need to get rid of.
The most prevailing point for me was is that I don't ask for help at all, despite being surrounded by people who are generously willing to support.
Does this has anything to do with belief? You don't think you need to help, or you don't think they would help, or you think you don't deserve a help, or you don't believe in what you do so they'll not believe in you to offer help?
Maybe it's actually you don't even share your fears, dreams, excitements, worries and special moments with anybody. Why? You don't fully embrace what you're doing?
Or you fear when ask that someone will let you down? But they say if you don't ask the yes won't come. And in reality on one achieves any considerable accomplishment solely on his own.
At last after all these brain dump meaningless thoughts you get to the basics and what's trivial by necessity, is that in order to continue a meaningful , keep faith in God and the unseen, achieve goals, realize dreams, you have first to believe in you!
#just_some_nonsense #طق_حنك #a_self_destructing_note #back_to_old_self_talk_and_writing_therapy #to_the_nowhere_and_beyond
